Chasing Comets
by Keseg-Neuhaus
Summary: Kirk receives orders to transport a very important diplomat, Carlisle Cullen, and his family to a planet deep within the neutral zone for "medical" reasons. Relationships go awry and tempers fly! Let the fun begin!
1. Chapter 1 Timing

Hi there everyone! This is Joelle with the first installment of the crack story I am writing with my crazy friend Annas! Don't worry there will be more to come very soon. I just wanted to get something up here for you guys to enjoy. Reviews are greatly appreciated!

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An irritating beep cut through the relative quiet of the Captain's quarters. At first, the two bodies beneath the sheets chose to ignore it. Whatever it was could wait. The sheets shifted and the sound of rapid, if not shallow, breathing filled the room. Moans cascaded off the walls in an odd harmony that was accompanied by the humming of the ship. The call echoed again, louder now, and this time it was followed by the squeaky voice of a nameless, wet-behind-the-ears, ensign.

"Bridge to Captain Kirk. Bridge to Captain Kirk!"

A disgruntled, nude Captain rolled out from under the covers enough to reach the comm. Why was this stupid ensign bothering him now anyway? Wasn't Bones supposed to be routing the calls tonight?

"Jim, get your ass out of bed!" came his CMO's voice over the comm.

"That's **Captain** Jim to you, Bones. Bridge this is Kirk, what do you want?" He replied; mustering as much irritated authority he could at - what time was it anyway? Actually, he didn't give a damn what time it was. He just didn't like being interrupted; he was already feeling the strain. He looked longingly back to what he was missing in bed before turning his attention back to the comm.

"Captain, we've been contacted by Starfleet. An Admiral is coming aboard with orders that will require your immediate attention. Shall I ask him to wait until morning?"

Jim groaned bitterly. Damn Starfleet. Of course, it was urgent. It was ALWAYS urgent. And of course they are the ONLY ship in the whole EFFING fleet that can do the job. Never mind if there were another ship that might be anywhere NEAR where their new assignment was. Nope. It HAD to be the Enterprise. Shaking his head and trying to ignore the throb in his lower regions he reached over to the comm. and pressed a button.

"No Ensign. I'll be up shortly to receive them myself. Have them wait for me in the Transporter room."

"Aye, Captain. Bridge out."

With that, Jim turned back to Uhura with a pissed off gaze, half-ruined by the lust that was still present. "Damn timing."

Uhura looked at him smugly. "Indeed, Captain."

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After a quick shower, Jim was soon on his way to the Transporter room. Along the way, Jim mentally demanded what entity he'd pissed off in a past life. A voice in the back of his mind that sounded strangely like Bones pointed out that the entity would most likely have been female, or a very jealous male. Perhaps a pointy-eared, green-blooded god? Shuddering, Kirk decided to mentally review his last few minutes of freedom.

"_I guess we'll have to continue at a later time, Captain?"_

"_Yeah, Come on. You'd better clean up or your boyfriend might kill me."_

"_What boyfriend, Captain?" she purred as Jim walked past her towards his drawers._

"_You remember, the Pointy-Eared Bastard who already hates me?" _

"_Are you afraid of him, Captain?" She asked, her eyebrow mimicking his First Officer in a way that made his blood chill._

"_Afraid?" he laughed. "No, but my throat is finally its normal color again after our first scuffle. I'd rather like to keep it that way," he said nonchalantly. He'd gotten dressed and waited until Uhura stepped into his shower before heading on his way._

Now the doors whooshed open to reveal the aforementioned half-Vulcan, who was in a deep, contemplative mood. Hugely thankful for his shower, Kirk slapped on a fake smile and clapped his First Officer on the shoulder.

"Mr. Spock, good to see you at this ungodly hour!" Kirk said brightly. He was amused when Spock tensed under his touch, but didn't shrink away. It was an improvement as far as Kirk was concerned. Sure it had taken six months to get this far but it was something. And in the mean time, Kirk got to enjoy Uhura's sexual tension since Spock was a prick and refused to sleep with her unless she wanted to mate with him for life. Said it had something to do with some mating thing that sounded like Gone Far…

"Captain," Spock said in his usual condescending tone. "I see you have decided to grace the Admiral with your presence after all."

"Was there ever any doubt, Mr. Spock?"

"Considering your distaste for regulations, it would not have been shocking if you chose to ignore the summons altogether, Captain."

"What? And miss the joys of listening to some stuck-up Admiral insult me and my crew and prance around like I'm not fit enough to lick the dirt off his regulation boots? Never!"

"I fail to see how you would derive **joy** from such experiences, as it is not logical, even within the context of humans and their illogical tendencies. However -"

"Spock," Kirk growled.

"Yes, Captain?"

"Shut up. That's an order. Understood?"

"……"

"Is that understood, Mr. Spock?"

"I do not see how you expect me to answer you Captain, if you have ordered me to 'shut up'."

Kirk resisted the urge to strangle his First Officer only because the Admiral suddenly materialized on the platform. Salutes were exchanged and the feud was quickly forgotten as the next mind-numbing meeting began...


	2. Chapter 2 New Orders

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Kirk, Spock, and the Admiral walked into the briefing room. The man, Goddard if Kirk remembered correctly, was a rather robust man with a bulbous nose… it looked vaguely like a furless tribble stuck on the man's face. Kirk already hated him. Spock, on the other hand, looked as though he would have been happy to cut off the man's nose and study it. It was quite distracting, until they realized that the man was also an obvious neat freak. He even wiped his white glove across the surface of the chair as though looking for dust. Then, to add to his prissy appearance, the man pulled out his chair and cringed before lowering himself primly onto the edge, not touching anything he didn't absolutely have to.

Spock and Kirk found themselves sharing an impressive look of barely concealed exasperation. Upon realizing that they were indeed agreeing with each other on something, both parties turned their attention back to the Admiral, who was inspecting his nails. Kirk sighed bitterly, surprised when he heard an echoing sigh from his First Officer, who had come to the same conclusion he had…

This was gonna be a long, painful morning…

Goddard looked at Kirk with disdain. He didn't want to be there, and it was obvious that the half-cocked Captain of the Enterprise didn't want him there either. He just wanted to get this over with. With a sigh, he pulled up the orders on a data pad and passed them to Kirk.

"Your new assignment is simple," Goddard began, which earned him a snort from Kirk. "You find this amusing, Captain Kirk?"

'_You are full of shit. In Starfleet there is no such thing as a "simple" mission,' _is what Kirk wanted to say. Instead he shook his head innocently. "Not at all, Admiral. Please continue."

The man glared at him. "As I was saying, your mission will be a simple one. You will be traveling to Star Base Six located deep within the Gamma quadrant. There you will be picking up Ambassador Cullen and his family. You will escort them through the neutral zone to a medical facility on the edge of Romulan space and assist them in whatever they need."

Kirk looked at Goddard with an incredulous expression. "You mean that we have to fly all the way to the Gamma Quadrant, a good week's flight at Warp 9, and then turn around and fly all the way back out here and out to the edge of the neutral zone?"

Goddard nodded. "That won't be a problem will it?"

"No, but isn't that a serious waste of resources?" Kirk asked, trying to make up some quick and logical reason to decline the mission. He was a starship captain not a damned shuttle service!

"It is an honor to transport an ambassador so the loss of resources is negligible," Goddard replied wickedly.

"Is there no other ship already heading in that direction?" Kirk asked in vain hope.

"Yes, but they all have their own orders. Besides, after your last mission, the Federation thought you deserved something less stressful."

'_Ok now that was just plain un-called for!'_ Kirk thought as he felt himself getting hot under the collar. Their last mission had been a total disaster. No, that was the understatement of the year. It had been the cluster-fuck of the century. How was he supposed to know that smiling in that culture was a serious offense? Or that their ranks were determined by color - blue meaning royalty and yellow meaning personal slaves. Apparently they had thought Spock was the Captain and had completely ignored Kirk at first. And to make matters worse, he'd been forced to act the part of a sex slave to Spock (punishment for speaking out of turn)… he would never live that down. Granted, he had the satisfaction of seeing a rather mortified Spock when he realized what he had to do. However, he still found sitting to be very uncomfortable from time to time, so it nullified any satisfaction he may have received from seeing Spock's brief reaction. In addition, the planet had ultimately refused to join the Federation, claiming that they did not wish for their way of life to be poisoned by the likes of "creatures similar to the one called Kirk".

"You mentioned that our guest is an Ambassador," Spock cut in. "May I ask for which planet?"

Goddard nodded. "He's the new Chief Medical Officer and Head of Health Sciences for the United Federation of Planets."

Kirk rolled his eyes. Oh joy, another McCoy. Hopefully this new guy wouldn't be as hypo-happy as his current CMO. "Is there anything else Admiral Goddard?"

Of course there was. There was always something else. "They have special dietary requirements, so you will have to carry a special supply of their food. You will be able to pick some up at the Star Base. Beyond that, the specifics are listed in your data pad, should you care to actually read it that is. I know that reading isn't among your highest skill sets. Do you have any questions for me?" He asked in the most arrogant tone he could muster.

Kirk flashed a shit-eating grin and picked up the pad. "None at all, Admiral." He spoke with respect even though he wanted to tell the man to piss off. After all, he'd been enjoying his off time and he'd been interrupted for a baby-sitting mission! Oh well, there was nothing to be done for it.

"Are you certain that this mission is easy enough for you?" He asked, needling the young man.

"I have absolute faith in the skills of my crew," Kirk answered darkly.

"I meant can you, James Kirk, handle this mission. Your crew is not my concern. After all, it will be your head if anything should go wrong."

"You seem convinced that I am going to fail," he growled.

"Not at all. I merely wished to get an idea of your confidence."

"Consider me confident." Kirk spoke dryly. Don't punch the Admiral. Don't punch the Admiral. Don't punch the Admiral.

"Very good, then." the Admiral left soon after that, much to the relief of Kirk. If he'd had to put up with the head ass of the Admiralty for a moment longer he might have killed him, and he was certain that the Federation would not approve.

Kirk turned to leave and noticed that Spock was looking at him appraisingly… at least he thought that's what the look in his eyes meant. It was hard to tell. "What?"

"You were behaving oddly respectful to the Admiral, when he was clearly trying to get an emotional response from you."

"And this puzzles you because..?"

"You rarely disappoint." Spock spoke as though it were obvious.

"I am capable of behaving when the situation warrants it, Mr. Spock. I just have more fun when I can express myself. It's a human thing."

"I noticed. My congratulations Captain, on finally achieving the restraint most learn as children."

Kirk's mind quickly translated that to mean 'Spock is unimpressed.' If Spock were human, he imagined that the pointy-eared bastard would start slow-clapping. He tossed his shoulders back as though they were sore and cracked his neck twice before walking calmly out of the room. He was half-way down the hall before he stopped and replayed what Spock had said. "Wait! I 'rarely disappoint'? Does he like it when I cause a diplomatic incident?" He glanced back towards where he could see Spock walking in the opposite direction. He shook his head at his First Officer and then continued on his way to the lift.

"Bridge," he ordered tersely…

Sulu had been lounging at his station when he heard a familiar whooshing of the lift. For some reason he slipped into his normal at attention position. Turns out he had decent timing, he realized, as a fuming Captain Kirk stepped onto the bridge and went directly to the center of the bridge where he promptly flopped down into the Captain's chair.

Sulu had heard that they had been given new orders, and from the looks of Kirk, the orders were likely to be one of two things. One, they were being sent on a mission that meant certain death. But he decided against that one because Kirk was normally excited by a challenge, even if he was a little irritated by the parameters. Sensing no excitement, Sulu was fairly certain that it was the second; that being a rather pointless mission that would be better suited for first year cadets - incompetent first year cadets. Though, if last mission was anything to go on, it wouldn't surprise him. He still had a good laugh about that. As it was he was fighting a smirk.

"Sulu." Kirk barked.

"Captain?" he asked in surprise, the smirk vanishing immediately.

"Set a course for Star Base Six." he ordered sharply. "Warp factor nine."

"Aye, sir. Course laid in." Sulu replied, moving rapidly. He had to admit it, when Kirk was in a mood, he could be almost as scary as Spock… almost. Speaking of Spock, where was he? Wasn't he with the Captain during the meeting?

He heard the sound of the lift opening and he turned to see Spock walking out onto the bridge. Spock didn't say a word as he went to his station and got to work, so Sulu took that as a cue to do the same. As the ship slipped into Warp, Sulu mentally sighed. The next hair-brained mission of the USS Insanity - aka Enterprise - was underway.


End file.
